Saiyuki Taisen
by Gabriel Syme
Summary: Gensomaden Saiyuki meets Sakura Wars. Don't ask me what I was thinking. STill under construction, but do r&r !
1. In a Foreign land

(plays "Attack ! Imperial Capital Defense !")

"Can you please stop playing this crap music before I put a bullet through your 'drums and make sure you never play another piece of music in your life."

Sorry.

(plays "For Real")

"That's better."

~  


SAIYUKI TAISEN

Handsome Guys in Steel Spirit Warriors !

~

It seemed to be another day for Sanzo's party.

Gojyo and Goku were at the back, sleeping, Hakkai was at the wheel, driving, and Sanzo was, in the front, meditating.

"Peace and quiet."

"Quite so! Without those two bickering about, or Goku lamenting on his usually empty stomach, we can enjoy a nice, quiet, relaxing ride, as we head out to the West."

"Yeah."

The wind blew, as the jeep sped through the dusty dunes. The breeze, being somewhat strong, blew out the flame in Sanzo's cigarette.

He proceeded to press the car's cigarette lighter, and protract the device, when, he realized, that the lighter had, mysteriously, been removed.

In its place was... a plug. A very suspicious plug.....

The wire from the plug extended all the way to the back, till it came to a large, black, metallic box.

It was a mobile television.

"GOKU !"

Crack ! A quick whip from Sanzo's fan knocked Goku's head.

"SANZO !"

"How many times have I told you not to watch TV in the car ! It saps battery power !"

He proceeded to pull the plug out of its socket.

"Hey !"

"Gojyo ?! You too !?"

"Well, what else is there to do ?"

" Well, you two could have been fighting instead..."

"Oh, that's very cute Hakkai."

"Any time at all !"

As Hakkai turned his head back, after making that small witty remark to Gojyo, his usually happy smile was soon replaced by a look of utter shock and horror.

"WHAT THE.....?!"

"What.... OH GOD !"

"SANZO ! WHAT IS IT ?!!"

The 'thing' was, black, and circular, twirling about in its own shapelessness and existence.

"IS IT A DEMON !?! LET ME AT 'IM !!"

"TRANS-DIMENSIONAL EDDY !!!"

~

"Whatever that demon wa s.... it's attack was keel !"

"What happen ed....?"

"We got lost in time and space !"

"Hakkai, since when did this series have to do with anything about this sort of thing ?"

In reaction to Gojyo's sarcastic remark, Hakkai gave a slight laugh.

"There's a first time for everything !"

"Whatever. Wherever we go, there's always trouble, be it demons or ass holes."

"Oh come on Sanzo ! It can't be that bad, can it ?"

Jut as he said that, a large being came into the picture.

It....... Sanzo couldn't describe it. It seemed to be dead, but alive, like one of those bloody zombies in all those tripe horror movies. There was an odour from it that was distinctively demonic, typical of the yaoki. AT the same time, it also seemed to be a result of dark alchemy: large machines covered the legs, abdomen, and face of the giant. The beast was armed with an axe, and was ready to slice it's victims into two.

The creature gave out a loud, unearthly cry, rather much in vain, as, in the following second, a small, inanimate object, rushed to supposed forehead of the device, and brought the hulk crashing to the, before collapsing into nothing more than bile and ooze.

"EWWW !!!! Scum all over my clothes !"

"Stupid monkey. You can always clean up that mess at the nearest cleaners."

The four left the corpse, and surveyed the world they were in.

"Hardly looks like ours. Rather old-fashioned.."

"Hey Sanzo, look at that !"

In the vincity was a large air balloon. It seem to be running on steam energy.

Nearby, there were buildings reminiscent of the early days of their world. Shop houses lined the derelict street they were in. It seemed destitute, empty, devoid of all life.

"Sanzo... I'm scared."

"If you're not cold, if you're not hungry, you're scared. Yeesh."

"He's got a point though. I sense an evil in this place."

"There's evil in every blinking place in existence. You normally can't escape it."

"I mean, this seems to be a sort of an evil that's..."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever...."

Just as Sanzo said this, large numbers of beasts, similar to the hulk that they have dealt with in every manner, started to appear out of nowhere, trudging slowly, and relentlessly.

"Unngghh..."

"Well, everyone, get ready for battle."

"Hai !"

However, before the lot could do anything.....

~

Hakkai couldn't describe this one entirely.

Like the abomination they confronted with earlier, it was, without a doubt, mechanic in nature. However, this time, the machine was not organic in nature at all, but a lot more mechanical. An aura of goodness seemed to emanate from the machine, like as though it possessed a soul. The machine seemed to be like a living creature, except that it didn't really have a life. Hakkai couldn't exactly describe the robot that was making its way for the abominations, as steam spewed out of it's portholes.

"Steam technology ? Reminds me of Arcanum..."

As that mechanic warrior made its way for the terrible beings, other mechanical knights like it entered the fray, in their shining armour, ready to fight the evil.

"Sanzo... what's that ?"

"I dunno kid. Whatever it is, at least we can slack..."

Sadly though, they weren't destined for a good rest.

For the abominations outnumbered the mechanical knights, and, hammered away at their hulls, ensuing their demise.

"Sanzo, we must do something !"

"This is gonna be simple..."

The monk clasped his hands, and uttered a mantra. The Evil Sutra resting on his shoulders started to elongate, expand, and circle him.

"Purify the demons !"

~  


The Wakijis stopped short of their attack. Somehow, something affected them, and they could feel it.

Such a sensation did not last, as, a moment later, they became nothing more than liquid, and metal.

"Sanzo ! You did it again !"

"Yeah, but now I'm worried about those poor bastards in those machines..."

~

  
"Team hana ?! TEAM HANA !??"

"Th...this.. this is Sakura..."

"Phew ! What happened ?"

"Everyone's down..."

Sakura felt back into her seat, and fainted, again.

"Sakura ? SAKURA ?!! WAKE UP !!"

But there was no response.

"Is anyone out there ?!"

"This is Ohgami..."

"YES ?! STATUS ?"

"I'm fine... but.. the wakijis.. all defeated.. by one an.. not one of us..."

Ohgami fainted too.

"We lost him."

"DAMN IT !"

Yoneda hit his head, in defeat, when he heard a voice, over the reciever, that he swore he never heard before.

"Yo."

"Huh ?"

"Wassup. You seem to have a demon problem around here."


	2. The Replacements

"Commander Yoneda, the damage infliced on Team Hana is insurmountable."

"Give me status."

"All of the team members are ill. Maria, Kana, Iris, even Sumire is down with the flu. We've attributed the cause to our recent failed attack."

"Damn it ! I need another drink."

"Would you like to speak to the monk ?"

"Yes, bring him in."

~

Commander Yoneda was confronted with a rather odd-looking monk.

He was a monk, no doubt, with the white robes. However, he had blonde hair, unusal for an Asian. More interestingly, he seemed rather young for a monk. 

As he looked on, the monk took out a packet of cigarettes.

He brought out one of the paper rods, holding rolled leaves,out of the packet, ad brought to his mouth, took out a lighter, and lit his cigarette.

Most absurd, thougth Yoneda. How can a monk possibly do something as sacrilegous as smoking ?

Yoneda peered at the monk more closely. He then realized that this mok was somewhat corrupt, or may not even be a monk at all. Besides, who ever hard of such an absurd thing as a mok with a pistol ? But lo and behold, a young monk, in his 20s, smoking, and carrying a gun by his side. With some odd piece of paper, perhaps a Buddhist Sutra, around his neck.

And yet, this very man defied Yoneda's many years he spent in fighting the Descended Evil.

~

"To begin with, I must congraulate the man who had rendered a great service..."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Cut the bull**** and get down to business. What world is this ?"

"Why, this is Japan."

Japan ! Japan, thought Sanzo. He heard that name before, but, it was only a fictituous land....

"Anyway, I apologise, I haven't introduced myself. I am Commander Yoneda, Head and Manager of the Floral Assault Troupe.

"Floral Assault Troupe ? What sort of lame-ass name is that ?"

Yoneda was once again astounded at the monk's cursing. What in Hell was this monk ?

"Well, you see, Evil, in the form we term as "the Descnded Evil" have been plaguing Japan, most notably Tokyo. Apparently, there was a theory that suggested that the ulimate way of fighting a demon, was, of course, spirtual power.However, in order to fight spirtually, one needed to raise his spirtual abilties.."

"Right.."

"And, one way to do this is acting."

Sanzo started at Yoneda. Flabbergasted.

"And I am manager of Team Hana. These girls that you see today are dedicated to defending the Imperial Capital, and certain virtues, like law, order, blah, blah... and we do this by acting and staging plays, so that we can fight demons. It sounds crazy, but, thats' how it works."

Sanzo continued to stare, until he resolved hi usual, sarcastic, cynical look.

"You're all pansies."

"What ?"

"I said you're all lameass pansies. You talk about spiritual power and all that bull****, and yet, you can't even fight demons."

"But there has been some pogress..."

"Listen ! If you wanna fight, you just fight: training should also come from experience, if not more.

Besides, why do you care so much for your lousy Imperial Capital ? You think this is the capital of your world, is it ?"

"Look, whatever your name is, we live in Tokyo. And this city, which you deem lousy, is an established, holy city......."

"Bull****. That's one ofthe biggest bull**** I ever heard. A city is a city. Cities are not people, and seldom does a place have a holiness of it's own: the real attitude of a city come's from it's occupants, and the same goes for every type of place. Even if it seems good or evil, it may be because of it's occupants, or something that the occupants did in it's history. It's all down to people."

Sanzo was starting to make Yoneda's blood boil.

"Look, I just want to.."

But Sazno was already leaving.

"By the way, the name's Genjo Sanzo."

And he slammed the door, as he walked out.

"What a cad," muttered Yoneda.

He decided to reach for another bottle of vintage sake, when, he heard a ring on his telephone.

~

Meanwhile, Sanzo was going back to the room, where the other members of the group were.

Gojyo was, as usual, reading a magazine. Perhaps it was another one of those dirty magazines, with nude pictures of female humans or demons. Hakkai, was reading some other book, which seemed rather deep and large.

Goku, was, as usual, being a real pest.

"SANZO ! WHEN ARE WE GOING TO EAT !?!"

"STUPID MONKEY, SHUT UP !"

Goku cried, as his stomach rumbled.

"Hey, monkey, shut your trap, and we may eat soon."

"Don't call me me monkey !"

"You are a monkey , monkey !"

"And you're a horny water monster with no real girlfriend !"

"Idiot ! You just pissed me off!"

~

Back in the room, Yoneda was speaking to one of his agents.

"Sir, I am afraid Team Hana will be out of duty for a while."

"Terrible. And at the wrong time."

"However, there's something odd about those three foregners..."

"Yes ?"

"Their spirtual power, according to this meter, is ridiculously high. For all 4 of them, only Sakura and Sumire's ratings matches.

In fact, three of them are not entirely human."

"What ?!"

"They're demons of a sort. more precisely, they're spirit folk, much like the sprites and nymphs in old mythologies.."

"Incredible. And Teama Hana is out of action for now ?"

"Yes sir."

Yoneda put down for the phone, and overheard a conversation from the room nearby.

"You horny water... cockroach ! With antennae !"

"Monkey ! You've got a monkey body, monkey arms, monkey legs, good for monkeying around !"

"SHUT UP ! BOTH OF YOU !!"

Two gunshots were heard.

Yoneda sighed.

"I am going to look like an idiot if I do this...."

~


	3. The Monkey Assault Troupe is born

(Note: for all those wondering, for Minekura's great job at doing Saiyuki, I am paying homage to her in this chapter. Of course, the Minekura in this world may be VERY different from the one in GS)

~

"Sakura, sakura, are you alright..."

"Ungghh...Ohgami ?"

"It's me. Miraculously, only I remained unaffected."

Sakura smiled, before falling back to sleep.

In another room, Sumire was trying her best to get up.

"Stupid fever.... I have to go out. I have acting to do, photo shoots to be in...why must I be sick..."

As she said this, she caught the eye of an incredibly handsome man.

He had red hair, was lean of build, and wore a blue vest, a simple white shirt, and brown pants. NMost unsually, but attractive, he had red eyes.

"Wow.. who is that man ?"

Sumire now had another reason to get better.

~

"Japan ?"

"That is correct. And I suspect that the world we currently in is Shintoistic in nature"

"Shin..what ?"

"Shintoism. I suppose you're not familiar with Minekura. She did a couple of books on a fantasy world, filled with Samurai and Ronin, set in a land called Japan. The world she created was incredibly vivid, and different from our own, yet based on our own."

"Oh..."

"She created a term known as Shintoism, and it was the worship of the pantheon of deities in her world. Apparently, we seem to be in some form of world like the one Minekura created."

"Correct Sanzo. (Sigh) This reminds me of Tolkien..."

"Who's that ?"

"You guys don't read, do you ?"

"Sure we read ! I always read the monthly issues of Playboy ! Oh, and there's the comics in the newspaper !"

"Reading ? What's that ?"

Sanzo started to mutter. Idiots....

"Say, why do you bother with imaginary world anyway ? Why not just be contented with living in one REAL world ?"

"Gojyo, you're forgeting something. We ARE in a fantasy world."

"That's right Hakkai. And besides, we can learn many a moral and value in a storybook. It is a great skill to be able to read."

"Whatever.."

And Sanzo cursed, underneath his own breath, at Gojyo's lack of interest in reading.

Just then, there was a knock on the door.

"Sanzo !"

"That's us."

"The manager requests to see you."

~

"WHAT ?!"

"I said you're hired. However, we need to create a new team, since the Floral Assault Troupe is sick..."

"Then, we'll call ourselves.... Team Mokey !"

"Hey ! Hakkai !"

"Don't worry Goku ! It's a cute name !"

"Whatever.... look, you all decided a name, whatever you want it to be. However, we have another problem, and that's acting."

"Ay ?"

"Y'see, being a troupe, they're all professional actresses. However, since they're sick, we have to keep the theatre running, or we won't be able to generate some revenue.."

"Wait... you never asked us..."

"But I'm afraid so. One of the members of the troupe, a man.."

"You had one man amongst an entire team of women ?"

"Yes. he was the leader. Anyway, he can't act either, so, he's joining you lot. One of the girls will be helping you in your acting. Those from the Floral Assault Troupe's sister troupe will be sewing you your battle unforms.."

"Uniforms ?"

"Yes."

Sanzo stared to curse, again.

"Bloody *****"

~

"Sanzo, this your room, Here are the beds, fit for a king !"

"Thanks, but I'm a monk. Monks live in conditions that are like **** !"

"Umm.. yes. Anyway, your friends rooms are along the corridor. Downstairs is the kitchen, dining room, and the assembly area, along with the engine room and the deck where the kobus are kept."

"Right."

"I leave you now."

Sanzo stared at the oom.

It was grand. Well, not that grand, but, he had been through so much, not to mention the simple beds he usually had in an inn, this bedroom seemed to be a palace of a sort.

As he closed the door, he felt a disticnt movement.

"Who's there ?"

"Woah.. sir, do put down your gun."

"Ay ?"

"I am Ensign Ohgami, leader of the Floral Assault Troupe. Yeah, I am the only, but my job's a really small one. I am responsible for the tactics, etc."

"I see....."

"Now that I will have to domore of the fighting, I guess I have to join you all in acting."

"Fine then."

~

A few hours later, the members of Sanzo's party, along with Ohgami, were at the stage.

"Gee, you guys. We've all never acted before. How are we gonna do it ?"

"Simple dude, check out the moneky over there. He's a real actor !"

'I AM NOT A MONKEY, COCKROACH !"

"See what I mean ?"

"Acting requires skill, emotion, care..."

"Hakkai, I never hear you say this before."

"Oh, I did act, once.."

"Oh ?"

"In the school play."

"......"

Long pause.

Just then, there was a distinct cough.

"Good *cough* morning everyone"

"Good morning"

~

Sakura eyed the lot. They were truly a mix bunch.

There was one incredibly handsome man, with red hair,wearing a simple white shirt and brown pants, having left his vest in his room. Nearby was a young teenager, about her age, in an odd outfit. Nearby seemed to be a jovial, easy-going young man, wearing a monocle on his left eye. He seemed nice, no, he was nice. And next to all of them was the 'monk', who seemed less of a monk than a ganster of some sort. Maybe from America ! He wore an odd black outfit, one Sakura never saw before, as the cloth was stretched out, and connected, to two ringss, on both of his forefringers. He had jeans, like the type cowboys wore in all those Westerns. Except that these were blue

In turn, the group were all eyeing Sakura.

Gojyo though to himself, another young kid. Heck, she looks better than Goku, a LOT better.

"Alright then.. erm.. acting lessons, first, streching excercises *couch*"

"What do we do ?"

"Erm, stretch ?"

~

"Okay, erm... do voice excercises !"

"What's that ?"

"Copy me."

"A.E.I.O..A.E.I.O.U.I.O.E.A.E.U..A.E.A.I.U."

"What on earth was that nonsense you said?"

"Just yell out the vowels"

"Okay.. ay.. ee...ooo...aahh.."

"Too soft.

"AAAHHH ! AAAAYYYY !!! EEEEEEE !!!!"

"TOO LOUD !"

~

"What's next ?"

"Voice acting. We'll do this one by one..."

~

"Goku, pretend you're a hungry"

"I'm hungry !"

"Now, pretend you're hungry and you're busy"

"distractedI feel hungry"

"Pretend you're mad you didn't get food."

"I DEMAND FOOD ! I'M HUNGRY"

"Pretend that you are happy, so happy that you want food"

"(jumps around) Lunch time ! I'M HUNGRY !"

~

"Pretend that you've seen a pretty girl, and that you were busy doing something else"

"distracted What a pretty girl..."

~

"Pretend that you're pissed off with everyone else, and you think that everyone is stupid."

"Everyone is stupid."

~

That night, the men were all sleeping in their rooms, soundly.

Making very distinctive souds, that is.

"I'm Hungry...snore..."

"Check out that girl...snore.."

"everyone is so stupid....snore...."

~

The new members of the Monkey Assault Troupe were only having a taste, of the coming times.


	4. Creating the Troupe

"I can't believe I'm wearing this crap."

Sanzo had a good reason to say this. He was wearing something very, very quirky, at least to him.

It was a white vest, obviously made from suede. Instead of the white monk cassok he had to wear, he was made to wear a very stiff white shirt on the inside. Problem was, the shirt was not only stiff, but very tight, and was uncomfortable. What was worse, however, was that, instead of the blue jeans he usually wore, he was made to wear a suede pair of white trousers. Lastly, there were some very unusual boots, again white, made of spandex, which he had to wear. 

What was worse, however, was that his stylish, black, leather undershirt, which was connected to two rings on both of his index fingers, did not match his new uniform at all.

"This is gay **** !"

"Hey, you look handsome in it ! That uniform suits you well !I mean… think what Lillin…"

Goyjo felt cold metal at his throat.

"Umm…"

"Anyway, why are YOU not wearing any uniform ?"

"But… I…"

Sanzo cocked his gun.

"Okay, okay !"

Meanwhile, Goku was, as usual, whining. This, time, however, it was not food.

"Sanzo ! These pants are tight ! Sanzo ! This shirt is loose ! Sanzo, I feel cold….."

The poor monk couldn't handle it anymore.

"IDIOT, SHUT THE **** UP !"

And Goku received the fan once more.

"I don't see what you guys are complaining about."

"Huh ?"

The other three members turned round, and were confronted by a very formal looking Hakkai.

Goku made a very basic remark.

"You look different."

He was, as usual, wearing his monocle, still had brown hair, and still had his emerald eyes. 

Oh wait, he was wearing, of all the things in the world, a tuxedo. The jacket was a maroon blue, the supposedly stiff shirt seemed very comfortable. He was wearing a blue tie, a pair of black, trousers, and some well polished, dark, glossy black, leather shoes.

Only Hakkai was the best dressed out of the whole lot. And he was the only happy one too.

"I like this suit ! Makes me look formal, ever ready for battle…"

A sweat drop appeared on Sanzo's face.

Just then, the tailor that made their suits entered their room.

~  


"Look, can you give us something better than this crap ?!"

"I'm sorry sir, but, I'm afraid we're still making your uniforms. Besides, we wanted to see if you prefer the…"

"No, we DON'T ! This **** makes me look gay !"

"Well, I see that young fellow over there feeling rather happy in his uniform…"

Oh crap.

"Listen lady, I'm not going to wear any of your stinking clothes. I'm fine with my robes and cassock. You wanna give uniforms ? Give it to those other three there…"

Both Goku and Gojyo cringed in fear.

"Well, for the red haired fellow, I could make an exception, and, as for the kid, I think he looks fine in his usual clothes.

Actually, you really don't need uniforms. The uniforms are mainly a means of identifying your assault troupe. However, if you wish, we can opt out uniforms for now…"

"Actually, I prefer this suit. Can I wear it ?"

"Hakkai…"

"Of course you can ! In fact, the suit's free !"

"Arigato gozaimas !"

"You are welcome. Right, now, shall we try out the kobus today ?"

~

Hakkai took a good look at the cockpit he was sitting in.

For a piece of machinery that was driven by an engine a lot more basic than the engine of their jeep, the designs, control, decorations: everything was elaborate.

There were what seemed to be two joysticks. However, they were uniquely designed in a very Victorian manner, not to mention that they looked more like handles, that could be activated horizontally, and not vertically. It wasn't a button, it was a handle. Hakkai slowly reached for the handle, and pulled the handle, squeezing the small lever tight, and pulling it back.

The machine's right hand moved up, it's fist clenched, a quick reaction.

"Very good Hakkai ! Now, move on the paddle."

Hakkai looked down on the floor, and, true enough, there were two, obscure, metal pads.

"These are the paddles ?" thought Hakkai, as he both of his feet on both paddles.

Moving the paddles was like moving an exercise machine, mores specifically, a skiing machine he tried out, a very long time ago.

And, behold ! The machine was walking ! As Hakkai moved faster, the machine started to, run !  


"Woah there ! Take it easy !"

"Hey, Hakkai, how the heck do you use this thing ?"

That came from a very bother Gojyo whose Kobu, regrettably, was not moving at all.

"Oh, sorry Gojyo, I forgot: that's an old kobu we built a while back. It's no longer working…"

'WHAT ?! You make me look like an idiot in this damn thing !"

"You forget you are one, water monster !"

"Shut up Goku…."

"Shut up both of you !"

~  


The members of Team Monkey had now assembled in Yoneda's room for an additional breifing.

"Alright now here's the thing: according to the theory, and what we've seen, the kobus fight best when the warrior in question wields a weapon they've had experience in, be it melee, or ranged. Of course, this means that we have to create ridiculously large swords and the like, but, they have proven to be beneficial.

So, Sanzo, what is your expertise."

"I just use my gun, and this sutra."

'Well, we DO have Maria's steam cannon: I suppose we don't have to make you another.

Goku, I see you carry that Staff wherevery you're around…"

'Oh, don't worry about that…."

Just as Goku said this, the occupants of Yoneda's office received a rud shock.

"MY ANTIQUE TEA SET !"

"GOKU !! YOU IDIOT !"

"Hey, at least my Staff can be as big as I want it to be !"

And Goku's staff returned t it's original size, leaving behind a hideous looking crater that stretched between the walls of the office.

"Alright. What about you hakkai ?"

"Me? Oh, I use qi gong."

"Aye ? No weapons ? But surely…"

"Do not worry: I prefer not to use a weapon. My body, will and spirit are my weapons. Besides, it's the application of qi gong that matters."

'Okay, that makes the job better. I suppose we just have to make a large version of Gojyo's weapon.."

"Um, you have no idea…"

As Gojyo took out his weapon, he gave it a quick twirl, and, soon, the staff extended, on both ended, two chains, each connected to a sharp weapon of sorts.

Yoneda recoiled for a while.

"Well, I suppose it'll take a while."

~  


Making a bigger version of Gojyo's weapon was tiring. Even the engineers had a hard time, especially with Gojyo's inability to work with them.

"You assholes ! Don't you dare cut up my weapon !"

As such, making a weapon like Gojyo's, not to mention starting from scratch, took a whole week, with the engineers complaining.

"Man, that's one big ass weapon."

"Yeah, it taking us a bloody long time just to make it."

"I wonder what kind of guy would you such a weapon."

  
"I'd rather wonder who the hell he thinks he is. Why does he need such a weapon like this one……"

The engineers suddenly felt a piece of metal dash pass by them, one move above his head, the other, almost slicing his neck, all in one, simple twirl.

"Hey, hey, hey, no complaining…"

The engineers decided to heed Gojyo's advice.


End file.
